Fertility Clinic Stories · Infertility schmertility

Down go the pills and the emotions

In Monday night’s dream I was lost in the fertility clinic, which looked like an enormous mall, complete with coffee shops, clothes stores and movies. I saw an old Professor from my work, who is very chatty and I started running away from him, avoiding his gaze, evading his questions and hoping he won’t see me. He came after me and I ran away but the escalators were too slow and the lifts kept on taking me to the wrong floors. 

In Tuesday night’s dream, I was visiting my friend who just had a baby. She was telling me that she and her husband have been trying for their second child for almost a month now and that she knows exactly how I feel. I was dumbfounded. 

Last night I dreamt that the fertility clinic phoned me and said that all their ultrasound machines were broken. They asked whether we have an extra one in our lab, and if not, they have to cancel all the scans for today and postpone all the women’s treatments. It was of utmost importance that I find a solution.

My mind is quiet through the day but I wake up, my back tense and my pajamas soaked with sweat. The cats both lie with my husband and stare at me in amusement.

I went for my baseline scan at the fertility clinic this morning. I dread and look forward to starting IUI #2. It was a very strange morning at the fertility clinic. I was catching up on some reading in the waiting room – I always feel like I’m reading these women’s thoughts when I read your posts about infertility – all the good, the bad and the ugly. “Excuse me! Can you make some space?” a woman asked me. Is that… a baby stroller?! At the fertility clinic? I looked at her astonished, blinked in confusion and slowly reacted “Oh! Sure! Sorry.” 

There are about 20 women in the waiting room – we all keep our faces blank while her baby laughs and she and the father take turns to play with the baby. It feels so out of place! Why would they bring their baby here? Reason a.) They are trying for a second baby. The father is here as well, but surely he could have stayed home with the baby while his wife came in for a scan? But maybe it’s an important scan. It feels a little mean. Did she forgot how it feels to be in our shoes? Reason b.) Maybe she wants to show the doctor her baby and thank him? But why come in the morning when we’re all getting unsuccessful scans? I can’t stop wondering even while I lie in the ultrasound room for 15 minutes, pantless, childless, waiting.

Back in the waiting room… another couple walked in with a baby! What?!  Then it dawned on me, it’s school holidays. Maybe the couples didn’t have anyone to look after their children while they came for scans. Mental note: if I’m ever in the same situation, I would leave my baby with my husband/moms. I heard a women yell elated from one of the nurse coordinator’s offices: “OH MY WORD! I’m PREGNANT!”. At the exact same moment, a lady falls into the seat next to me and starts crying into her mother’s arms. I don’t know if I should pat her back. My nerves are shot. 

I pay, get my drugs, see my nurse coordinator and phone my husband in the car to update him. My voice breaks when, in my rearview mirror, I see a couple walking to the lifts, the woman with a gift bag and her partner with a bottle of wine. They must have come to thank a doctor. Maybe there’s a breakfast today for all the successful parents and doctors.

My nurse coordinator said I had a weird cycle last month. I sit in the parking garage, swallowed my Letrozole and Vitamin D with luke warm water from my water bottle and started to cry.

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14 thoughts on “Down go the pills and the emotions

  1. I’ve often wondered about people taking their kids to the clinic too, feels a bit insensitive to me – though a friend took her toddler because she wanted her husband there for transfer and then had no one else to look after him. Guess it’s tricky all round really xo

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  2. I’ve experienced someone bringing their baby into the waiting room at my fertility clinic as well. It was like a punch to the gut and I too vowed to never bring a child with me. I have had 5 IUI’s since having my son and have always found a way for someone to watch him when I had an appointment. I just refuse to be that person. xoxo

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    1. I’m so happy to read a mom’s perspective about this! Each woman will react differently to the situation, but if you’ve been through it before, you know you might just catch someone on a sad day. And knowing myself on hormones, sometimes it’s the unexpected triggers that are the worst. I’m holding thumbs with you for a 2nd little one! xxx

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    1. Pregnesia… 😂 It’s to easy to forget how it feels to struggle like we do and I guess it’s natural too. You just want to forget how awful it was! I hope to keep that empathy & humility should we ever be given a child. I’ll be the aunt saying “leave the kid alone, rather ask them about their interests” when other aunts ask them when they’re having kids/getting married. That’s really cool of your fertility clinic!

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  3. I’m so sorry!! Our clinic here does NOT allow children in the clinic. For this exact reason. This should be the one place for those struggling to be safe. To not be bombarded with babies and children. If it wasn’t important they’d just have the fertility clinics in the regular ole hospitals.
    I get finding child care is difficult and you want your spouse there. But really think of those sitting in the clinic still waiting. Who just had another cycle not work. Those with children need to be more sensitive. Or the clinic have a different time alloted for those with kids. Or another place for them to sit with the kids.

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    1. That’s really kind of your fertility clinic! I think most women would think twice – I guess we are all so different in our personalities. Perhaps these women didn’t mind and therefore they don’t think anyone else would but… infertility is so hectic, you can’t assume people would all react the same. It caught me of guard ‘cos I didn’t know it was a “thing” to bring your kids along! It’s like bringing my infertility to a baby shower… nope… it’s not the same at all! 😂

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  4. I’ve definitely noticed women who don’t mind think no one else should. Just like in my infertility groups on Facebook, most of us don’t want BFPs on our feeds. Then there are the women who don’t mind them, they think the rest of us shouldn’t mind it either! My clinic has a separate waiting room for women pregnant or with kids and that helps a little. There’s also a separate area for women awaiting scans and blood draws and I like that, too. It feels like solidarity.

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    1. Reading these blogs, I’ve realised that even though we all feel so freakishly similar, we can think so differently about our infertility! It’s amazing that your fertility clinic really thought it through… They should have a bowl with cookies & chocolate in the blood draw/scan room, you know, like getting a sucker after a dentist appointment! 😘

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  5. How stressful! My clinic is in the same area as antenatal, so while waiting we have the joy of pregnant women moaning on the scales. I’m not sure why they do it, must be a funding thing. I guess it’s logical to keep all the equipment together but seems insensitive. Good luck x

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